On Babies...and More.

I feel like I’m going to have another baby. And it’s hard to describe other than just that gut, instinctual feeling. I could be wrong. We could go on to have no more children and raise the two beautiful girls we have now and what a gift. What a huge, miraculous blessing we’ve been given. But throughout my pregnancy and even after I didn’t have the “this is my last” thoughts. You know...

“This is my last time to be 30 weeks pregnant.”

“This is my last time to bathe a newborn.”

I just never did. It’s actually quite interesting (humorous?) to me the amount of time I’ve given this subject considering how long it took us to have our two. And how I was never truly in control of any of it. So it’s funny to me when thoughts cross my brain like, “Hmm, should we have more? When? I am soo not ready right this minute. But if we wait too long…”

I guess those kinds of thoughts are normal but it’s not really up to us to a certain extent. I just have a feeling that we aren’t done. And that {if/when} we get pregnant next time, it might be a boy. OK, OK, I’m done forecasting.

Here’s the thing. Pregnancy is hard. Babies are hard. Raising children is hard. And as a new parent if you can’t look me in the eye and say, this is the gosh-hardest thing I’ve ever done, then I’m just not sure you can be trusted. Kidding. I remember several months ago having this frank discussion. It was sometime in the Spring because Ryan was working Saturdays. We had our small group meeting and I had gotten myself and the girls ready to go. I’m sure I was tired because #newmom. Krosby had blown out of yet another outfit (with baby #3, I’ll get the diaper size thing down!) and we loaded everyone up. We buckled our seat belts up front, looked at each other and said,

“Why did we have a second kid?!”

“I don’t know, but we’re not having anymore!”

Did I mention it’s hard? The lack of sleep, the constant feedings, the complete upheaval of your current day-to-day routine. So why? Why, Why, Why can someone tell me do I look at my nine month old and think, “Oh my goodness. She is so stinkin’ squishy, cute I might die and it really wasn’t THAT bad and look at her. I mean, she’s amazing! Look at them together! Look at me having all my mom stuff together. {Keepin' it PG here.} Maybe we should do this again.

What is that? To quote my friend who will go nameless, “It’s a sickness. A DISEASE!” But don’t be offended. She has three kids herself and is pretty much a rockstar.

Could it be that God sets this desire in our hearts before we even know it?

There’s something about nine months. Maybe you’ve had the entire length of time that sweet child was inside you as she’s now been out and you’re starting to have coherent thoughts. Maybe it’s that in-between stage of not still a newborn - not yet a toddler that has me all googly-eyed and thinking in the quiet spare two minutes of each day, “I mean, if that happened again, it would be OK.”

We went through a lot to bring Krosby into the world. Lots of time, testing, tears and wondering what God was up to. And now to see the redemption in it is simply astounding. As I’ve thought back and forth about it all, a quote I read not long after she was here keeps coming to mind.

It’s by Brene Brown who I desperately want to start reading:

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Wow.

As it turns out, it’s not my story. It’s His. And while I certainly in my limited finite mind, would not have chosen to write certain parts, He did. Who knows what else our story holds? Maybe there will be more losses. Maybe none. Maybe two more babies. Maybe none. But I do know that life has unfolded far better than I could ever have planned, and here’s the thing. It’s not all about me, or our family or what decisions we make. When God gets the ultimate glory and writes our story, we can rest in the knowledge that it’s for our good as well.

And that is something my mama mind can rest in. While I think about more kids.